Sunday, November 23, 2014

Confusion and Memory Loss

Today, I am putting myself out there.  Vunerable to a fault probably.  Fearful that what I say will be concieved as mentally ill in the worse sense of the words.  Problems with memory are becoming more and more frequent.  These are no just one time coincidence.  The problem has become progressively worse.  I have noticed more and more confusion and forgetfulness.  Even when typing I can't think of certain words or I spell them as they sound and not as they should be written.  Thank God for spell check.  I will say a wrong word for the right word.  I forget my keys.  I left my purse at a place of business this week.  I thought I had retracted my steps and when I came home and it was not at hom. I paniced.  I had to think and think and did not remember that I had been to another place. My purse was there.  This morning I went to church and left my keys in the car with the car still running.  I kept fumbling for keys in my purse and when I got to the car the lights were one, the car was running and the door was open.  I am desperate for prayer.  My other blog gives me a way to express myself and it's my happy place. I will not be a downer there. I feel like the ones who read this blog are my supportors and I ask you to pray for me.  I'm afraid.  I know that God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind.  

I did some research on my meds and all the ones that I take for BD cause symptoms of early dementia.  I pray that these are just symptoms.  My meds have been changed so much this year that I have to look again to see what I am taking.  This last visit he took me off a med that I have taken for 8 years because it causes early dementia.  The side effects of getting off were pure torture but I haven't been able to sleep since. I have been off this particular drug for 3 months now.  I feel like it is out of my system.  The one medication, Lamictal was gradually increased from 25mg. to 200 mg.  It is the one that I have been taking for mood and behavior that is associated with Bipolar. I've read that this is one that causes severe loss of memory.  I really want to gradually decrease these meds.  I know that God is able to restore.  The doctor who treats my depression has become frustrated with me because he says, "I have tried everything. I just don't know what to do with you." He acts like I am being non-compliant or addicted.  I can assure you I am neither.  I told that that I was doing exactly as he had told me to.  

I beg you to please pray for me.  Ask that God give me a spirit of faith, not fear.  Ask that God lead me into where I should go now.  The doctors do not seem to know.  God is my healer.  I will trust in Him.

Thanks for your prayers, 
I will smile through the storm. 

A few months ago, I was going through a battle with my family.  God said to me, "You will not have to fight this battle, you need only to be still.  Today I recalled, when the Israelites were facing the army, "We do not have the power to face this vast army, but our eyes on you."  This is how I feel this day.  I know that prayer makes a difference.  My eyes are on Him.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

What "TYPE" am I?

Sometimes I align left.
Sometimes I align right.
     Sometimes I indent.
Then again, I like to be in the center.
Sometimes I justify.

I feel like my life is a little like that too.  

Sometimes I've aligned myself a little too far to the left.  Well, for the past few years anyway.  I didn't really mean to. After my parents died, I realized that I didn't know what was left and what was right. I didn't question, wasn't allowed to question and therefore, didn't know what was right.  Well, I guess I really knew but for the first time in my life, I allowed myself to question.  In doing so, I almost went too far to the left.  God has a way of drawing us back to Himself.  I wasn't too far to the left anyway. People thought I was.  God never thought I was lost. 

Sometimes I've aligned myself a little too far to the right.  
Not that truth is not truth.
It's just that sometimes, as right-wingers we think we are always right.
I admit that I am sometimes too judgmental and critical,
when others do it wrong.
Lord, help me remember that you give grace.
Let me be a grace giver. 

     Sometimes I indent.  You know, I take a few steps in, not completely to the left but not completely to the right.  I don't like it, but I straddle the fence, won't commit, afraid to jump all the way in.  I don't like the verse, "Because you are neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth."  This scares me to death! 

The center...
Do I like to be the center of attention?
Do I think I'm the center of every conversation, every eye, every judgement?
Does it always have to be about me?
Is Christ the center of my attention?
If so, then why am afraid of being insignificant?
Why am I paranoid?
Lord, please be the center of my life?
I don't do a very good job of being my own center.

When I know I'm not right, I sometimes justify.  It's okay because.... It doesn't matter if.... It's not wrong when...'s whatever we try to excuse, give reason for, have to convince ourselves and everyone else, or YES, justify.

It's easy to say, "I have Bipolar Disorder when I align myself to the left, right, or center and I try to excuse my behavior or justify how I've reacted or what I've said.  

So, Lord, help me to live the TYPE of life that you have created and chosen me for and called me to.