Today, I am putting myself out there. Vunerable to a fault probably. Fearful that what I say will be concieved as mentally ill in the worse sense of the words. Problems with memory are becoming more and more frequent. These are no just one time coincidence. The problem has become progressively worse. I have noticed more and more confusion and forgetfulness. Even when typing I can't think of certain words or I spell them as they sound and not as they should be written. Thank God for spell check. I will say a wrong word for the right word. I forget my keys. I left my purse at a place of business this week. I thought I had retracted my steps and when I came home and it was not at hom. I paniced. I had to think and think and did not remember that I had been to another place. My purse was there. This morning I went to church and left my keys in the car with the car still running. I kept fumbling for keys in my purse and when I got to the car the lights were one, the car was running and the door was open. I am desperate for prayer. My other blog gives me a way to express myself and it's my happy place. I will not be a downer there. I feel like the ones who read this blog are my supportors and I ask you to pray for me. I'm afraid. I know that God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind.
I did some research on my meds and all the ones that I take for BD cause symptoms of early dementia. I pray that these are just symptoms. My meds have been changed so much this year that I have to look again to see what I am taking. This last visit he took me off a med that I have taken for 8 years because it causes early dementia. The side effects of getting off were pure torture but I haven't been able to sleep since. I have been off this particular drug for 3 months now. I feel like it is out of my system. The one medication, Lamictal was gradually increased from 25mg. to 200 mg. It is the one that I have been taking for mood and behavior that is associated with Bipolar. I've read that this is one that causes severe loss of memory. I really want to gradually decrease these meds. I know that God is able to restore. The doctor who treats my depression has become frustrated with me because he says, "I have tried everything. I just don't know what to do with you." He acts like I am being non-compliant or addicted. I can assure you I am neither. I told that that I was doing exactly as he had told me to.
I beg you to please pray for me. Ask that God give me a spirit of faith, not fear. Ask that God lead me into where I should go now. The doctors do not seem to know. God is my healer. I will trust in Him.
Thanks for your prayers,
I will smile through the storm.
A few months ago, I was going through a battle with my family. God said to me, "You will not have to fight this battle, you need only to be still. Today I recalled, when the Israelites were facing the army, "We do not have the power to face this vast army, but our eyes on you." This is how I feel this day. I know that prayer makes a difference. My eyes are on Him.