Monday, July 21, 2014

If You're There, I'm Here

I stumbled across another blog about depression.
Please follow and encourage the blogger on the link below.

Depression Hurts
The Adventures of Old Alice

 it really does 
and I feel her pain.

Sad, mad or
Happy and gay.
Who will I be today???

I wanted to reach out and hug her 
and assure her that someone does care, 
someone does understand, 
and this someone wants to crawl in that bubble with her
or rather pop that bubble and get her out.

When I'm Tigger, I don't like Eeyore
and when I'm Eeyore, 
I certainly don't like Tigger.

Thing is, most days I'm not even able 
to move past myself.

I understand the days of not remembering.
I understand that sometimes my mind feels like it's demented,
and yes, I worry about that too.

Isolation, I get. 
I may be surrounded by a crowd and still feel alone.

So, please be gentle with me.
I'm fragile and I may break.

Coming home from a celebration 
and I have to make myself get out of bed.
I look forward to the calls at the end of the day 
from my children.
I look forward to the emails from my blogging friends.

When I can't be anything to anyone, 
I just have to be myself.
That's all I can be.

So, if you're there, 
I'm here. 

Prayers of Hope, 

"We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves."
Romans 15:1

I wonder why this isn't the way it is???

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Insomnia and Medication Change

Some days are overwhelming.

At first, I thought the medication change
was working.
A horrible part of this malady
is that adjustments
often take months.
The process is slow.
There's the weaning of one medication,
the slowly adding of another.
One thing throws off another.
My depression lifted but the mania
started all over again,
followed by the sinking depression.

I am not sleeping again.
I haven't gone to sleep
before 3:00 since we increased the
last medication.  My thoughts are
flitting here and there.

 I can literally see them moving
from one place to another, 
if that makes any sense.
So, he changes once again and
says this may make you manic.
I went to get a sip of something
(no, not that, but maybe that's what I need!)
and the clock read 5:30.

Today I finally awoke at 12:00 noon,
with a hangover.
(Although, I'm guessing what a hangover feels like.
Never had one.)

 I so need to sleep.

I went to see my little lady,
and give her a birthday basket. 
She opened her eyes enough to say, "Hey."

She has a brain tumor and
Hospice has been called in.

Sometimes I think she sees the face of God
or the angels coming to get her.
She opens her eyes, lifts her hand,
and looks above her with the biggest smile.

"The best way to find yourself
is to lose yourself
in the service of others."
It's 8:30pm Eastern Standard Time
and I'm still in a fog,
for just a little while I felt good,
forgetting myself and helping someone else.

I read recently that Mother Theresa suffered
was often sad and wondered if she was making a difference.
Can you believe that?
I wonder if that's what kept her helping someone else.

Her smile makes me smile.

 These make me smile:)

Can't wait for a few days away
with the ones I love.


Sunday, July 13, 2014

Praying for Ashley

My morning quiet time is the best time 
to hear God speak-either through 
His Word or in my inner spirit.

I try to begin my day and
end my day with the Lord.
Both times, with prayer.
When I fail to do that, I suffer.

Sleep did not come easy last night.
I had Ashley on my mind.
Please drop over to Sweet Magnolias
and read her story.
Just click on the link below, "Pray for Ashley" and read her story.
Pray for Ashley

She was on my mind all day.
I couldn't shake the questions
and couldn't help but wonder WHY?
I begged God for a miracle.

I lay there and prayed for her
and her children, her family,
and my children and all
that concerns me.

I was so acutely aware that
my troubles are small in comparison to others.

I asked God to make me content,
to not look back to what might have been
nor to look forward to what may come,
 to not pine for dreams unfulfilled
but to trust Him for the moment of TODAY!

I was awake at 5:00 am.
I was late for church, but I looked
and listened and worshiped with a different
attitude today.

Please pray for Ashley.
My heart is heavy.
Although, I don't know her personally,
I have been touched by her story.

Believing God.
Will you believe with me?


Thursday, July 10, 2014

What Does Mania Look Like For Me

In the education system, 
BD stands for Behavior Disorder.
I laugh when I think about it.

Funny thing is, it fits for 
Bipolar Disorder.
Mood and behaviors are
the crazies of this disorder. 

This week I've found myself 
somewhat manic-

a little too loud, 
a little too ill,
a little too angry, 
talking a little too much, 
going a little too fast.

When I'm a little too much, 
I have to slow down, 
pace myself

It starts out as a wonderful event, 
like celebrating the pregnancy of my daughter
and the joy it brings-

the joy becomes silly, 
silly becomes giddy, 
giddy becomes wild, 
and wild becomes crazy.

Even getting ready to see my babies 
can bring on mania.

My highs are not too extreme, 
just a little out of control.

Being manic is not the problem with Bipolar Disorder II.
I'm not going to drive 100 mph or jump off a tall
building to prove I can fly.
However, I feel real pain for those who do.

In my case, the high
is often followed by an EXTREME low.

I've learned how to prepare myself for this.

I slow down.
I celebrate events,
I experience the joy to the fullest
 but I don't do something 
that I'll regret later-
like spending $200 at auction or junkin'
when my booth only netted $50.

Or planning a trip to Italy:)

Well, a girl can dream, right?

Okay, I'm pacing myself here.
Nashville now, Italy later?

Can't wait to see this little booger!
He's carrying his "tish."
He looks exactly like my baby boy did when he was 3!
Oh my, he melts my heart!

 And this little angel already has her daddy
and her mom
wrapped around her little finger. 
Isn't she a doll-baby?

Shhhhh. Don't tell I'm sharing.
This is our precious miracle-baby.
You think I'm not manically wild about this baby?
Can you hear me scream!

Well, I will not apologize for being 
giddy about all my babies.

Happily Manic Today, 


Sunday, July 6, 2014

Sunshine and Rain: We Need Both

 I'm an on and off again person.

When the sun is shining for days on end, I ask for rain.

I write best when I am sad or depressed. 
This again is a repeated post from 2012.
This year I would like to forget, 
but there are lessons in the storm.

I hope you find comfort here.

When the clouds hover over in hopes of rain, I long for the sun.

I think God must understand because he gives me enough of both.

It's been a little overcast this weekend with clouds you enjoy at the beach...the clouds that block the direct rays and usher in the wind...the kind that make you comfortable, so comfortable in fact that you remain too long and yearn for sweet relief from the burn.

Too much sun can burn.  Too much rain can flood.

Without the rain, 
we'd miss the beauty of the rainbow.

My thoughts are swirling everywhere today.  I'm a bit melancholy over many things.

Do I need to hide myself from the storm and rest awhile or do I need a little more of the sun SON?

I'm glad my Father knows what I have need of before I ask Him. 

Looking for comfort today, I found these words...

"Moses said to the people, do not be afraid, God has come to test you, so that the fear of God will be with you to keep you from sinning.  The people remained at a distance, while Moses approached the thick darkness where God was."  Exodus 20:21

"Embrace the cloud and thick darkness because that is where I am."

I read so much that I don't know where this came from (Either Beth Moore or Anne Graham Lotz), but I know that I need it today, "Look toward the desert of emptiness, dryness and weakness and glimpse His glory in the clouds."

Today I'll Choose to Embrace the Clouds.  I don't want to miss HIS GLORY! 


Saturday, July 5, 2014

Book Review about Losing a Child: I Choose to See by Mary Beth Chapman

I can't imagine the loss of a child.
I lost a baby brother, but my mama lost a child,
he was 5 years old. 
My Son-in-law lost an uncle last week.
His grandparents lost a child.
In their 80's they lost a child.  
Mama said, "We aren't supposed to bury our children."

In May 2008, Mary Beth Chapman, wife of recording artist, Steven Curtis Chapman and family experienced the most incredibly, devastating loss imagined-the loss of Maria, their bouncy, beautiful Asian butterfly.  The story is real and raw.

Mary Beth speaks with such candor and frankness that makes me feel like I know her.  I read with intensity and a heavy heart as she tells the story of the horrific pain of losing a child. It is the story of a family who fights to find light in the darkness, peace in the pain, and triumph over death.  I think I cried as much for Will who feels more pain and guilt than any young man should know.

As a parent, I can't imagine. 

As a sibling, a big sister, a little sister, stuck in the middle, the emotions of our own family tragedy, run deep.  I recall the sounds of the accident, the smells of the ER and the blood, the sight of a lifeless body.  I recall a home without laughter and noise. With each written page, my own pain is resurrected to grieve with this family in their loss.

I am inspired by the faith of this family who dared to embrace the pain with real emotions and honesty.  A Family Who Chose to SEE that God is present in the incredibly difficult places.  That he often reveals Himself through...
                         a single blue-colored petal....
                   a ladybug...
                               a butterfly...
                                                a little angel sent to remind them that the view is
                                           Better from the top.
 I can promise you that this read will leave you longing to reach out to those you love, to hold them a little tighter and cherish each moment.

Thank you Mary Beth for sharing your story with the world.  We are better for having known you!

(BTW, I am a Steven Curtis Chapman fan from the early days.  My daughter and I made memories singing along loudly to The Great Adventure!)

I pray a hedge of protection around my family every day.

Our Little Blessings

Very Soon.

Whatever the kind, 
loss is personal
and must be grieved. 

Praying for Comfort for Those Who Mourn, 


Friday, July 4, 2014

Today, I Choose to Be Thankful

Today I'm gonna list all the things that 
I have to be thankful for. 
Every time I do, I gain a new perspective. 

I need to pull out my journal 
and start recording again, 
looking for the beauty in all things.

With all that is wrong in our nation, 
I'm still thankful for the freedoms 
that I am so guilty of taking for granted.
I am free to worship the God of the ages. 
And nothing and no one can take that away!

My babies are far away, 
but thankful for modern technology.

Some of my blessings are
all dressed up in red, white and blue.

Can't you just see the wheels turning in these little minds?
These photos are full of emotion.

Our babies are growing up.
Hope to see them soon!

Hope everyone had a Happy July 4th. 


Thursday, July 3, 2014

"Defender (Call Upon The Name)" - Thomas Road Baptist Church

Charles Billingsly is an awesome worship leader for Thomas Road Baptist Church.  He sings and leads giving total praise to our Most High God.  His songs have spoken to me in many of my darkest days.