Monday, June 30, 2014

I Don't Think I Can Do This

Strong, one day.
Weak, the next.

Thinking I can move mountains, one day.
And in the valley, the next day.

Oh, my heart is so heavy.  
My little lady is failing.
I don't know if I can do this.

It reminds me too much of my mama. 
My strong mama reduced to having to be fed, 
clothed, bathed, and changed like a baby.

Today I had to do this again. 
I don't know if I can do this.

I cried all the way home.
I don't know if I can do this.

I feel like I'm reliving my mama's sickness.
I don't know if I can do this. 

My heart is beating fast 
and my hands are shaking from fear.
I don't know if I can do this. 

I don't think I can do this. 

Before, strong, happy, smiling.

After, weak, but still with a smile.
She never complained.

Feeling sad today.
Just one of the down days. 


Sunday, June 29, 2014

Home is Where I Belong

One of the constants of
 Bipolar Disorder is dealing with 
the feelings of isolation.

I want to reach out, 
I really do. 
I want to belong.
I really do.
I want to connect.
I really do.
I want community.
I really do.

However, there's this great 
fear of rejection and of course, 
the feelings of paranoia.

I love to laugh. 
I really do.

I love to see them laugh.
I really do. 

I have a man who loves me and wants me to stay.
I really do.

I have so many blessings, 
I really do.

And God continues to add blessings upon blessings.
He really does.

And we expect more blessings.
We really do. 

So, forget the feelings of isolation, 
forget the need to belong, 
forget the need for community, 
forget the need to connect,
forget the paranoia.

Because I really am not isolated.
I really do belong.
I have all the community in all the above.
It is here that I connect and 
with family there is no thought of paranoia.

Home is Where I Belong,


When She Was Bad, She was Horrid

The Mother Goose nursery rhyme says it like this...

There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead. 
And when she was good,
She was very, very good,
And when she was bad
She was horrid.

I was that little girl. 

Mama had this horrific movie camera 
with an incredibly big spotlight.
Remember the home movies
of the 50's, 60's and 70's?

A few years ago, 
mama sent all the reels off 
and had them made into VHS videos.

It was like seeing my life in film,
the ups and the downs. 

Each role was the role of a lifetime. 
I was a twirling ballerina on stage in one scene-
literally acting it out.

An acrobat on swings in the next, 
swinging high and then low and finally dropping
with tears and tantrums.

Anytime the grandchildren had a tantrum, 
mama and daddy said they 
were having a "Bonnie-fit."

My sister is a licensed therapist.
She says that reeled films are
now being used to study the behaviors of adults today.

Some may say,
"Well, that's just normal child behavior."

You would have to see on film the continuity of 
 my behavior year after year. 

I literally heard it said, 
"She just needs a board on her butt."

Believe me, they tried that too...
and a switch, and a belt, and a limb, and a broom
or anything else that would draw blood or make whelps.

It didn't work.

You would not believe how relieved I was 10 years ago
to learn there was a cause and treatment for 
what plagued me. 

Since the last medication change, 
I am able to get out of bed in the morning.
I have actually been motivated to 
do a little work.
The horrid little girl in me is being very, very good:)

Subject to change without further notice,


Monday, June 23, 2014


Since my parents died, 
I have struggled with the questions,

"What do I do now?"

"What's my purpose?"

"Is God finished with me?"

Today while I was feeding my little lady, 
wiping her mouth, and 
stroking her forehead, 
I felt in my inner being, 
"This is what I am meant to do."

I bathe her, rub her feet with lotion, change her, 
comb her hair and she smiles.

Today she can't speak, 
but that smile speaks volumes.

God has called me to love Him first
and then love others.

This is my calling.

Tonight I feel content, 
something I haven't felt in a long time. 

This is today's picture of our bundle of JOY.
Yes, she knows contentment.
Her mommy and daddy make sure that all her needs are met.

Our Heavenly Father meets our every need.
Shouldn't we be content?


Friday, June 20, 2014

I Choose to Be Happy

My little girl at the age of 6 won first place
in a state talent competition.
Before over 1000, she sang this song. 

I Choose to Be Happy

We have opportunities to be sad everyday,
When it seems like nothing in our world
Is working out our way.
That's when we have a choice to make
We can pout and cry all day,
Or we can make a funny face
And laugh about it and say...

I choose to be happy (happy)
Happiness is a choice.
Oh, I choose to happy (happy)
Happy as I can be
Oh, I choose to be happy, I'm happy
I'm free
Oh, I choose to be happy 
So, I can be me.

I can't remember the second verse, 
but today 
I choose to be happy.

Dumped is a fun series of portraits by Meg Wachter that captures peoples expressions at the exact moment a food or liquid was dumped over their heads. The photos show how genuine their reactions are. Whether it is shock, disgust or delight, each resulting frame is amazing.

Life can dump a bunch of gunk on us.
We can choose to scream and yell
wipe it off and smile.

I've done both.

Today I choose to smile.


Thursday, June 19, 2014

Emotions are REAL

Emotions are real. 
They are neither good nor bad, 
Christian nor evil.

There are faces to these emotions.
We all respond in different ways. 

Sometimes we cry.

Sometimes we hide.

Sometimes we carry the burden of worry.
We wear it on our faces and carry it on our shoulders. 

Sometimes we feel alone.

Sometimes we feel desperate.

Sometimes we feel hopeless and wonder, "Does anyone care?

Sometimes we feel angry.

Sometimes even the strong feel weak.

Sometimes we feel happy and sad at the same time.

Sometimes we just want to SCREAM!

Sometimes we want to cry out, 
"My God, My God why have you forsaken me."

Sometimes life just ain't fair!

Jesus invites the weary and broken to come.
He promises rest.  He promises beauty for ashes. 

Jesus wants to turn our tears 

into laughter,

and our pain

into joy.

He wants to give us strength

in our weakness.
And turn our mourning 


So give it to HIM and be crazy.

Make a funny face,

have a good belly laugh,

act like a child,

and laugh,

until the tears run down your face, 
or legs (hee! hee!).

Someone told me recently, 
"You are where you are, when you are where you are."
So feel it, don't deny it, cry out in your anger, in your pain, in your hurt
and let God heal you."

NOTHING is impossible
with HIM.
With HIM, anything is...

May God fill you with joy as you trust in HIM, 


Pinterest photos

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Name Change

I've changed the name of my blog
Depression:  The Upside of Down
in hopes to attract others who are facing
the ups and downs of this illness.

I have joined forums on depression
sharing thoughts from a Christian perspective. 
There are unstable people, people just like me,
who are angry at the world and 
refuse to get help.
Even these people, need to heard.

I don't ever want my blog to become negative. 
However, there is no way
to fully explain the disorder without 
sharing the opposite end of the spectrum, 

I hope to share personal experiences
and the hope that I have because of Jesus.

Sometimes we need a safe place to vent.
A place where we don't have to quiet
about mental illness.

We need people who say,
"Hey, that's how I'm feeling."
"I get you!"
"You get me!"

So, I hope you will allow me to share my emotions.
There is strength in vulnerability.

Most of you know that the past few weeks
I have been more depressed with insomnia and panic attacks.

Today was my second trip to the doctor.
I'd been on the same medication for over a year
and we "need to make some adjustments."

I don't like change.
I usually have the side effects.
Those are sometimes to be calm, make me hyper.
Those that are sometimes to give me energy, make me sluggish.
For two weeks, I've slept only 2-3 hours every night.
The medication he prescribed calms me,
but doesn't help me sleep.
I feel like I'm in a catatonic state.
(I'm not)
I never been a drinker, but I feel like I'm drunk
and then hung over.

So today, big changes!
It was hard for me to articulate what I felt was going on
in my body and my mind.
He had to write down step by step what medications
I must take and when.

He discontinued the one that makes me drunk
and zoned out.
(Thank God!)
He doesn't know I had already stopped it!
He cut back on one and increased another one.
He prescribed a new one.

I'm to take one with the one I'm already taking
for four more days and then up the new one.
This will allow my body to adjust to the new drug as
I gradually stop the other one.

So, could you figure this out???

When Mama realized her mind was failing,
she wrote down some verses that helped her
through the loss of my brother
and other challenges that she faced.

When I don't know what to do,
I look to His Word.

"For the eyes of the Lord roam to and fro 
(He's always looking for me and you!)
to strengthen those whose hearts are 
fully committed to Him."  2 Chronicles 16:9

"Be strong and courageous, Do not be afraid
(sometimes I am) or terrified because of them (it)
for the Lord your God goes before you and 
will be with you, He will never leave you or forsake you."
Deuteronomy 31:6, 8

The Psalm is full of comfort and assurance
that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

He sends forth His Word and heals,
not always in the way we want.

Paul prayed three times that the thorn be removed
and Paul learned that in his weakness, God is strong.

This is a journey.

It isn't boring, that's for sure!


Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Learning to be Content

So yes, I have a fun blog
and I have a not-so-fun blog.

This silly little girl is one of my blessings.
She is my sister's child, the second born, 
a hard head and hand and a gentle, precious heart.

She loves with all that is within her.
She comes bounding across the parking lot
and almost knocks me down with her hugs. 

She is loud and likes to be the center of attention, 
but is the first one to notice when someone is hurting.
She is one tough cookie, 
but with children and the aged she is as gentle as a lamb. 

She is sensitive and is hurt easily, 
which makes her more sensitive of others.

When she smiles, she lights up my world.

She can make me smile when all else fails.

My sister, Sarah, and I

Oh, she's growing up too fast. 

Sam and His Dad

This is my sister's first born. 

He's a combination of goofy and serious.
He is smart and funny, but crazy and quiet.
He is a typical first-born,
 analytical and a problem solver.
He pretends not to care, but really
doesn't mind a hug (when no one is watching.)

He is content to be alone but is not intimidated by a crowd.

He doesn't want attention drawn to himself
but never turns away from a challenge.

He is competitive but not a show off.
He is probably more of a perfectionist than we 
know because he wants to know that he's 
mastered something before he shows it to others.
These are my growing-up babies. 

It makes me sad to think that in only a few years 
they will be gone. 

Which makes me even sadder is to think that 
my precious GRAND babies are growing up 
so fast, me here and they there.

This little monkey poo-pooed and pee-peed in his potty today.

Our little angel is growing like a weed
and cooing up a storm.

It's their mommy's birthday and I'm about to get the present,
Facetime with the babies. 

I can hardly stand that I am not there 
to see each new moment.

This makes me sad.  

I continue to go boldly to the throne and ask the Lord
to let me move there.  I know that this may 
not be in His will for now, but I'm not afraid to ask.

Trying to learn how to be content in all circumstances.