When I was first diagnosed with depression (not Bipolar at that time), my doctor said, "It's best that you don't tell anyone.  People don't have to know."  This was the doctor for whom I worked.

SHAME!  That's what it felt like.  

When necessary to take a pre-employment drug test, you are required to list your medications. Your employer is made aware that there is probably a mental disorder and immediately assumptions are made. I worked in the medical field 20 years out of my adult life.  A look at my list of medications and they know.

The community of believers and the medical community are two places that should be the most supportive yet are often the most judgmental.

I'm glad that there are now resources to help us deal with the questions.  Below is a resource that I have found helpful.

.
http://www.bipolar-lives.com/bipolar-christian.html#.U44cQZPD_IV

Bipolar Christian questions

The bipolar Christian may have many questions.
It is natural to be confused about how, when we have a serious mental health challenge, we can still be made in the image God, or, as Psalm 139 says:
"I am fearfully and wonderfully made."
We can just as easily ask "Why did You make me diabetic?", and then of course there is the classic "Why does God let bad things happen to good people?"
We have free will and are fallen and so there is much imperfection in the world. God does not "make" anyone mentally or physically ill, anymore than he is responsible for any of life's other misfortunes or ugliness.
What He has done is provided us with doctors and medicine that make it possible to live a healthy life.

Reminder

God never leaves us. Even in the most acute bouts of mania or depression, God stays with us.

It is true that there may be periods where our minds are so disordered by our illness that we do not feel God's presence. We cannot pray, and we cannot study scripture. However, my experience has been that the more I build my faith and my relationship with God when I am in between episodes, the easier it is to find my way to Him during a relapse or mood swing.
For me as a bipolar Christian, I believe staying well depends on both faith and works. I cannot do it alone, but I also have an obligation to do what I can.

Great resource for Christians with Bipolar Disorder

Christian Education Needed for the Hard Topic of Depression

Before I get to the sad, sob stories of life, 

thought you may could use a little of this:

Not everything,

but it sure helps:)

Today I am sharing thoughts by 

Sheila Walsh in her book, 

"The Heartache Nobody Sees."

A few words to the Christian community from Sheila,

I will never forget an encounter with a woman who was about the 

age of my mother.  She showed me a picture of her daughter.

"She would have been thirty-five this week," she began.

"She worked full-time in a large church but had been struggling

with depression for some time.  She asked the pastor

for a short leave of absence to get some help.

He told her they didn't believe that a Christian should 

seek help from a psychiatrist.  My daughter killed herself.

She loved God, but killed herself."

Too many people do not understand the nature of depression,

equating it with having a "bad day." Those who speak not

always out of lack of compassion, but out of a lack 

of understanding have inflicted much cruelty.

I know how hard it is to see the look of disapproval, disappointment,

and dismissal in the eyes of others.  People have told me that I 

shouldn't be in public ministry until I am "fixed."

People have questioned my very faith in God.  Some comments

are intentionally hurtful; others are spoken out of misunderstanding

about the nature of brain chemistry.

Sheila, popular Women of Faith speaker, has 

a God-given passion for reaching out to women who are privately carrying 

around broken hearts.  

She asks, 

Are you lonely but too ashamed to open up?

Are you a victim of well-meaning friends who have told you to get over it?

Have you tried to heal yourself, to tidy up your pain with a quick fix?

My thoughts...

The biggest hurt of all is being hurt by a body of believers.

I shutter to think "Body of Christ" because 

how do we truly exemplify Christ if we don't

bear with one another, edify and lift each other up?

After a series of cutting, binge eating and purging, 

one of our teenagers was diagnosed with bipolar depression.

She tried to commit suicide three times.  

The last attempt, she almost succeeded.

 When she was coming out a man of faith said, 

"Did you know if you had succeeded, you would have died

and gone to hell???"

Did she need to hear this at this particular moment?
Did her family need this???

Where is grace???

Ann Graham Lotz wrote a book, 

"Wounded by God's People."

Lord, help us to be the hands of 

Jesus reaching out with compassion to those who hurt. 

You will find hope in the pages of her book, 

"The Heartache No One Sees."

Yelp, anyone care to come along?
We all need one. 

Bonnie:)

In the coming weeks, I will share with you things that
have helped me to make it through the rough days.
Hope you'll join me.  Even if you are not struggling with these issues,
maybe what I write will help you help someone who is.

Isolation

So lonely.  

So tired.

So tired of being lonely and tired.

My daughter's bedroom.  Any bed will do.

Just want to go to bed and pull the covers over my head.

Isolation

 that's what bipolar does.

It isolates.

Sometimes  Most times I isolate myself.

Can I just run away?  Go to someone else's house?

Sometimes I want someone to un-isolate me.

To look at me when I look away,

to hug me when I pull away,

to say, "It's going to be okay,"

even when I feel like it's not.

It feels like prison,

and I am sentenced to LIFE WITH NO PAROLE.

So long, that people have forgotten.

still I sit in darkness, alone.

Isolation.

They don't know what to say, so they say nothing. 

Isolation.

They don't know what to do, so they do nothing.

Isolation.

When I smile and laugh, 

they smile and laugh too.

When I can't smile and laugh,

they look past me, 

afraid of what my eyes will say

and pretend that they don't see me.

Isolation.

I've been called, "inconsistent, moody."

Isolation.

The medical community doesn't understand it.

The Christian community doesn't want to understand it-

it's a sign of weakness.

Friends don't understand it and are few. 

Family have given up trying to understand it and me.

Isolation.

It looks like moodiness because I am on a roller coast 

and I can't get off.

It doesn't look Christian, 

because Christians don't get angry???

Really?

Up one day.

teaching Bible classes, sharing Jesus, feeding the hungry, 

standing up and testifying to the grace of God,

and

the next week in hiding.  

I'll admit, it looks like inconsistency. 

It looks like moodiness.

It feels like shame.

My daddy gave this advice, 

" You gotta get on top of it."

Well, Daddy it's on top of me!

And thus goes the Community of Christ???

How would Christ respond?

How does He respond to my cries for help?

"I took you from the ends of the earth, 

from it's farthest corners I called you.

I said, 'You are my servant, 

I have CHOSEN YOU

AND HAVE NOT REJECTED YOU.

So do not fear, for I am with you; 

do not be dismayed for I AM YOUR GOD.

I will strengthen you and help you; 

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand'."

Isaiah 41:9-10

Hold me Jesus, cause I'm shaking like a leaf.

You have been King of my glory, 

Want You be my Prince of Peace.

I surrender all-one more time. 

Matt Maher - Lord, I Need You

Big Daddy Weave - Hold Me Jesus (with Lyrics)

Depression Hurts

Depression Hurts

This entry was written a couple of years ago.  It's a look inside the emotional and physical symptoms of the bipolar.  

If you follow my blog, White Lace and Promises, you know what I've struggled with.  This week has been one of those weeks.  

Today my physical symptoms are these: fatigue, headache, blurred vision, inability to focus, concentrate or remember, muscle spasms in my neck and back, feeling like I have been drugged. (I have not/am not.)

Today my emotional symptoms are these: overall sense of sadness, inability to connect, feeling of isolation.  

Some days I am withdrawn and not talkative.  Some days I am running from one place to another, chatter, chatter, chatter, laugh, laugh, laugh, happy, happy, happy.  I like these feelings of mania (the manic of depression) but I know that I will fall so I have to pace myself so the fall won't be so far down.

Still trying to figure out what is happening in blogland and I'm mad because I paid $45 for a suggestion that allowed me to post with the new interface, but when I look for my posts they aren't there and I no longer have any followers and I have no idea if anyone will even see this post so I guess I can vent and say what I want to without fear of being exposed.

Wow, I think that's a run-on sentence.

I seem to be doing a lot of run-ons, run-offs, run-ins, and run-outs.

I make a financial over-the-phone mistake and then I run-off at the mouth to some phone rep who has no idea what I'm talking about. I ask for forgiveness.

I have a run-in with a person who I'm looking to avoid because of past conflict.

I have run-out of groceries and pay day is another 5 days away.

I'm once again struggling to keep my head above water.

Like the commercial says, "Depression hurts."

I ache all over like I have the flu. I can hardly talk. My mind and eyes are foggy.

My prayers are many. My feelings are few. My faith still holds.

Kinda like modpodge, I have feelings plastered on top of each other. It would be impossible to peel them all off. They are stuck. I feel stuck.

And still I continue to put layer upon layer.

Knowing that went it's all said and done, He will make something beautiful of my mess.

This too shall pass, 

Bonnie:)

Grace in our Brokenness

This post was written last year during one of the most difficult seasons of my life.  I hope you find HOPE to sustain you when you find yourself in the most incredibly stifling places of your life. 

Jesus is our HOPE.

Rejoice in the God of GRACE

In this season of brokenness, 

I am reminded that my Savior chose to be broken...

for ME!

That thought overwhelms me and 

causes me to rejoice...

Sheila Walsh says it better than I can,

"Do we marvel anymore that Christ came into our world, 

not as a pampered royal, but as a poor peasant's son?

Do our souls quake with deepest joy and gratitude

that even in His arrival, He chose to identify

with the broken, the beleaguered, and the beaten down?

Do we notice that, from the very beginning,

this beautiful Savior of ours came to the broken

that He might be utterly broken Himself?

What does it mean that I, Sheila Walsh, 

a broken person, have a Savior who allowed

wicked men to break His own body...

for me???

He chose brokenness.

He who existed from eternity past

in an UNbroken state chose to be 

BROKEN...

for me???

"I lay down my life-only to take it up again,

No one takes it from me, but I lay it down

of my own accord."  (John 10:17-18)

I love the Song:

When I survey the wondrous cross,

On which the Prince of glory died,

My richest gain I count but loss, 

And pour contempt on all my pride.

See from His head, His hands, His feet,

Sorrow and love flow mingled down;

Did e'er such love and sorrow meet, 

Or thorns compose so rich a crown?

Oh the Wonderful Cross

Paul says that we are joint heirs with Jesus.

That means we are Children of God.

"Now is we are children, then we are heirs-

heirs of God, and co-heirs with Christ,

if indeed we share in His sufferings

in order that we may also share in His glory.:

This is the part I like,

"I consider that our present sufferings

are not worth comparing

with the Glory that will be revealed in us."

Romans 8:17-18

I asked a group of ladies this week, 

"What does suffering look like?"

Their answers:

"Everyday stuff"

"Depression"

"Loneliness"

"Broken dreams"

"A broken heart"

"A broken relationship"

I would have expected the BIG stuff:

Cancer, Loss of a child, divorce.

And while all of that is true.

We must realize that brokenness comes

packaged in many different colors..

but all require GRACE-

God's incredible love, favor, compassion.

One commentary said, 

"Grace that is from God,

retrains, converts, comforts."

This GRACE causes me to REJOICE!

Rejoicing in the God of All GRACE,

Bonnie:)