Isolation

So lonely.  

So tired.

So tired of being lonely and tired.

My daughter's bedroom.  Any bed will do.

Just want to go to bed and pull the covers over my head.

Isolation

 that's what bipolar does.

It isolates.

Sometimes  Most times I isolate myself.

Can I just run away?  Go to someone else's house?

Sometimes I want someone to un-isolate me.

To look at me when I look away,

to hug me when I pull away,

to say, "It's going to be okay,"

even when I feel like it's not.

It feels like prison,

and I am sentenced to LIFE WITH NO PAROLE.

So long, that people have forgotten.

still I sit in darkness, alone.

Isolation.

They don't know what to say, so they say nothing. 

Isolation.

They don't know what to do, so they do nothing.

Isolation.

When I smile and laugh, 

they smile and laugh too.

When I can't smile and laugh,

they look past me, 

afraid of what my eyes will say

and pretend that they don't see me.

Isolation.

I've been called, "inconsistent, moody."

Isolation.

The medical community doesn't understand it.

The Christian community doesn't want to understand it-

it's a sign of weakness.

Friends don't understand it and are few. 

Family have given up trying to understand it and me.

Isolation.

It looks like moodiness because I am on a roller coast 

and I can't get off.

It doesn't look Christian, 

because Christians don't get angry???

Really?

Up one day.

teaching Bible classes, sharing Jesus, feeding the hungry, 

standing up and testifying to the grace of God,

and

the next week in hiding.  

I'll admit, it looks like inconsistency. 

It looks like moodiness.

It feels like shame.

My daddy gave this advice, 

" You gotta get on top of it."

Well, Daddy it's on top of me!

And thus goes the Community of Christ???

How would Christ respond?

How does He respond to my cries for help?

"I took you from the ends of the earth, 

from it's farthest corners I called you.

I said, 'You are my servant, 

I have CHOSEN YOU

AND HAVE NOT REJECTED YOU.

So do not fear, for I am with you; 

do not be dismayed for I AM YOUR GOD.

I will strengthen you and help you; 

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand'."

Isaiah 41:9-10

Hold me Jesus, cause I'm shaking like a leaf.

You have been King of my glory, 

Want You be my Prince of Peace.

I surrender all-one more time.