Tuesday, June 3, 2014


So lonely.  
So tired.
So tired of being lonely and tired.

My daughter's bedroom.  Any bed will do.
Just want to go to bed and pull the covers over my head.

 that's what bipolar does.
It isolates.

Sometimes  Most times I isolate myself.

Can I just run away?  Go to someone else's house?

Sometimes I want someone to un-isolate me.
To look at me when I look away,
to hug me when I pull away,
to say, "It's going to be okay,"
even when I feel like it's not.

It feels like prison,
and I am sentenced to LIFE WITH NO PAROLE.
So long, that people have forgotten.
still I sit in darkness, alone.

They don't know what to say, so they say nothing. 

They don't know what to do, so they do nothing.

When I smile and laugh, 
they smile and laugh too.

When I can't smile and laugh,
they look past me, 
afraid of what my eyes will say
and pretend that they don't see me.

I've been called, "inconsistent, moody."

The medical community doesn't understand it.
The Christian community doesn't want to understand it-
it's a sign of weakness.
Friends don't understand it and are few. 
Family have given up trying to understand it and me.

It looks like moodiness because I am on a roller coast 
and I can't get off.
It doesn't look Christian, 
because Christians don't get angry???

Up one day.
teaching Bible classes, sharing Jesus, feeding the hungry, 
standing up and testifying to the grace of God,
the next week in hiding.  

I'll admit, it looks like inconsistency. 
It looks like moodiness.

It feels like shame.

My daddy gave this advice, 
" You gotta get on top of it."

Well, Daddy it's on top of me!

And thus goes the Community of Christ???

How would Christ respond?
How does He respond to my cries for help?

"I took you from the ends of the earth, 
from it's farthest corners I called you.
I said, 'You are my servant, 
So do not fear, for I am with you; 
do not be dismayed for I AM YOUR GOD.
I will strengthen you and help you; 
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand'."

Isaiah 41:9-10

Hold me Jesus, cause I'm shaking like a leaf.
You have been King of my glory, 
Want You be my Prince of Peace.

I surrender all-one more time. 


  1. I wish I could be there to give you a hug right now, my friend. You are in my prayers.

  2. Isolation...such a horrible word...but an even more horrible place to be. You know, Bonnie, if we who read here take to heart everything you've shared, it would make such a HUGE difference in the way we share Christ. I am struggling right now with how our words and actions don't line up. How can we call ourselves disciples of Jesus and then look past someone who is hurting? To think of you hurting so much and people looking past you instead of there to give you a hug or a listening heart just breaks my heart. I'm grateful for your honesty, Bonnie. Love you.

  3. ((hugs)) It's surely a nasty disease.

  4. I admire you sharing on your new blog, Bonnie. I know the Lord will use your words to help others.
    My mother was isolated in adulthood due to blindness; long-time friends did not know what to say and did not want the responsibility of taking her with them to outings. Mother once went to lunch with her Sunday School class and they laughed when she put her creamer packet into her soup instead of the coffee.
    John is isolated due to narcolepsy, which is misunderstood as drunkenness or laziness often. He can't drive and friends/co-workers, even family members don't know what to say so they stay away.
    I understand how different we all are and yet, God loves and treasures each of us. I strive to love and embrace everyone and to understand the battles we each face. God bless you for your honesty. Wish I were closer to look you in the eye and be a shoulder to cry on for you. I am praying for you.

  5. You know..I fully understand where your coming from..not just the bi polar etc..but the community of many sticking their heads in the sand, If Christ was standing next to you in real person, he would comfort..majority of Christians (being honest) don't know how to act..most stick their noses in the sand. That is how our previous church was..go to church on Wed. & Sun and act like heathens the rest..oh..sorry..wrong format to say all that..I like all the previous comments and sadly, I have nothing to add to it all has been said. Blessings