Conversations with the Kiddos

Tonight was the first time I have 

been to any social gathering of any kind

in a long time.

I was scared.

I could have stayed at home. 

It would have felt safer to stay at home. 

I'm glad I went.

With BD, sometimes you have to make yourself 

get out of the house, get out of bed, do something, 

do anything.  More times than not when you do, 

you feel better.

**************

My children call me everyday

sometimes two times a day.

Our conversations yesterday...

My son asks, 

"What's wrong?"

(I try to fake it! I usually can!)

"Nothing."

"Have you been taking your medication?"

(Typical medical-person question)

"Yes."

Again he asks, 

(Always my anxious child)

"What's wrong?"

"Not sleeping well."

"What are you gonna do about it?"

"The doctor is working on it."

"What are you taking?"

I tell him.

"What???

That's an anti-blah, blah, blah..."

Like I didn't know.

(My baby boy, the Physicians Assistant)

My daughter asks, 

"Are you okay?"

My goodness, my fake is failing me!

"Yes, just not sleeping well."

"Why do you think that is?"

(My analytical first-born)

"The doctor says that we may need to make some adjustments in my medications."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay.  I'm fine.  I'm gonna be fine."

(Trying to reassure her or myself?)

"I know, but I'm sorry. I wish I could help."

"I'd be fine if I could move up there."

Mr. H is listening, 

"Gee, thanks!"

"Oh, you know what I mean!"

I have a good man.  I forget how hard this must be for him. 

It's 2 am.

Sure would like to wake up to this.

How about you?

"I will lie down and sleep in peace, 

for you alone, O Lord,

make me dwell in safety."

Psalm 4:8

When You're Up You're Up and When You're Down You're Down

When You're Up You're Up, and When You're Down You're Down

I am an out-there kind of person, a what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of gal.  This at times hasn't always been a good thing, nevertheless, I am REAL.

My mama was a fun person.  She sang silly songs to us all the time.  As a pastor's wife and children's director of Sunday School, she taught us songs that most people had never heard of nor since have I heard again.

When  you're up, you're up,

And when you're down, you're down,

But when you're only half-way up,

You're neither up nor down.

I wish you could hear me now..

It was one of those fun songs where you stood up and down and half-way up and down:)

And there was another song..

I'm in, right out, right up, right down

Right happy all the time.

I'm in, right out, right up, right down

Right happy all the time.

Since Jesus Christ came in

And cleansed my heart from sin,

I'm in, right out, right up, right down

Right happy all the time:)

Well, long story short, I wasn't happy all the time.  I was a "when you're up, you're up and when you're down your down!" 

I can remember my first trip to the "doctor" (psychologist) to find out "what is wrong."  I was 9 years old.  My life was lived on an emotional roller coaster that I will share more with you in future posts.  After many, many years of antidepressants, counseling, medications for panic attacks, job changes, etc., etc., etc., I finally crashed.  My medical doctor shook his head and said, "Bonnie, I don't know what to do with you."  He took me off my blood pressure medicine, antidepressant, antianxiety medication-BAM!  Cold Turkey! And I hit rock bottom.  I was physically ill...could not pull myself out of bed.  Throwing up sick, dizzy, chest pains, as an addict or alchoholic in detox. 

That was a Friday and I endured the weekend with my husband taking me to a different doctor on Monday.  I was put back on my medication and told to take the week off and wait for him to get me an appointment with yet another "doctor."  The dreaded...."shrink."

This was the turning point in my life-a good one!  I was diagnosed with Bi-polar depression Type II.  Can you believe I was grateful to find something-anything that made sense.  I had lived up and down with more downs than ups.  Oh, the ups were WONDERFUL, but I always knew I'd crash. 

It took six months to give the medication right.  I ask God for healing.  I believed for healing.  I believe in the power of the resurrection and the power of God to heal, but I also know that God gives wisdom to doctors.  For that I am grateful. 

Eight years later, I am normal.  Well, almost...hehehe!  There are still times when I know that something is going on. When I've pushed myself too much, tried to please people, and have not taken care of myself, I can go there in spite of myself.  This has been one of those weeks.

So, I read your posts and find my happy place, and lean hard on Jesus, and enjoy your wonderful creativity and surround myself with all the things I love.... like some of these!

 Don't you just love a sale!



A sweet, little corner when we had Cornerstone.

Memories from my teenager years of the 70's:)  (They weren't all so bad!)

Happy Father's Day to a great Dad, 

my son, Chad.

I'm so proud of him.

A good husband too.

He saw it modeled every day from this man, 

his daddy, my husband. 

So thankful, that my days are more up now than down.  I've learned how to pace myself and thank God for the precious gifts that I am blessed with.

You, my friends, are included in that blessing. 

Hope in the Midst of Fear

This entry was written in April, 2013 during a dark night in a season of deep depression.

One thing about Bipolar Depression is the feelings of intense fear, fear that something is going to happen to someone you love, obsession with fear of death, your own death or the death of a loved one.  Deep feelings of abandonment and loneliness are often present.  I've talked about the isolation.  

This is the dark side of BD.  It's not pretty, but maybe you will see the HOPE of which I have, of which I MUST have to stand.  

His Eye is On the Sparrow

Knowing my love for the natural,

the owner of 

The Rusty Gate,

pulled out this darling

homemade, burlap banner.

"How do you like this?"

"Love it, how much?"

Snap!  It's mine!

Most of the banners, I find, are made for a mantle.

This one worked just fine 

for a favorite piece in my home. 

I got to thinking about the banner.

Nest.

Two little nests with bird eggs are attached.

I love the song, 

"His Eye is On the Sparrow.....

and I know He watches me...."

What a comforting thought.

I am reminded of the words of Jesus, 

"Look at the birds in the air.  They don't plant

or harvest or store food in barns, 

but your heavenly Father feeds them.

And you are more worth much more than the birds."

Matthew 6:26

I may not understand many things.

I pray for health

and God allows pain...to heal. 

I pray for peace

and He brings a storm...to still.

And His eye is always on me.

Another journal entry if you will allow me to bear my soul:

I awoke this morning with dizziness, nausea and afraid.  My hands were trembling and I don't feel like getting out of bed.    I want to cry, need to cry, need to bear my soul to someone.  Alone today.   I’m better alone when I’m this way.  Today, I sat in the break room, put my head in my hands. I cry out to God, “Save me.  I am going under if you don’t lift me up.”   After a few minutes, I am calm.  My hands are no longer shaking and I feel peace.

I need people, want people, but I want them to reach out to me.  Why can’t they see that I am hurting?  Where are all the people that I have loved and listened to and been there for?  They feel forsaken by me??? How do they think I feel?

 

I heard about Rick Warren’s son who committed suicide.  I wonder if Rick even had a clue.  So many lost souls out there lonely and in need of someone to reach out to them.

There go I, but by the grace of God!

 

I haven’t been able to read the Bible much.  I read the same verses over and over when I’ve tried.  I once again pick up my “Jesus Calling” book and find this verse, “Israel said, I will look to the Lord for help.  I will wait for God to save me; my God will hear me.  Enemy, don’t laugh at me.  I have fallen but I will get up again!  I sit in the shadow of trouble now, but the Lord will be a light to me.”  Micah 7:7-8

Jesus, you are my light and in you there is no darkness.  Won’t you be the light in this dark place?

I keep hearing the voice of God saying, “Word of God Speak.,” a song that I heard years ago.  I don’t remember the Words to the song, but I just felt in my spirit that God wanted me to listen for His Word to me.

So tonight, I am listening.  I am seeking.  I am desperate to hear from Him.

Last night after I had  already heard the voice of God say, “Word of God speak,”  Becky called and said, “You may want to listen to the song, “Word of God speak.”  God is with me, this I know.

It’s been another day of walking from faith to fear.  I tremble, I’m scared.  I miss my parents, I miss my children.  When I see a feeble man, I think of Daddy.  When I see a lost lady, I think of Mama and I saw both today. 

Tonight as I am seeking the face of God, I begin to sing the song, “I need thee oh, I need thee.  Every hour I need thee.  Oh bless me now my Savior, I come to Thee.”

I go to Youtube to listen to my favorite worship leader, Charles Billingsly who sings with a true heart of worship.  Right before my eyes is, “Hear My Cry, I Need Thee.”  Coincidence?  I don’t think so.

God is acutely aware of what I am going through.  He hears the cries of my heart.  He knows the constant battle of fears that taunt me day and night.  If He sees the sparrow when he falls, I know He will take care of me.  This, although I am not always sure of, this I know to be true in my innermost being. 

I believe, help thou my unbelief.

My little nest.

I'm glad He watches me, 

Bonnie

Link Between Depression and Diabetes

Sending flowers your way to make your day!

I got to thinking today, 

there has got to be a link 

between diabetes and depression.

I Googled and started researching.

Already diagnosed with BD, 

I found out that I had Diabetes Type II

after my parents died.  

This scared me to death because

both of my parents were severe 

insulin-dependent diabetes.

If you have Diabetes you are 3 times 

more likely to develop depression.

If you have depression, you have a greater 

chance of developing diabetes. 

Although not fully understood, it makes perfect sense.

Reasons to consider:

• Managing diabetes can be stressful.
• Health problems resulting as a result of diabetes may worsen depression.
• Depression leads to poor choices, unhealthy eating habits, less exercise, smoking, alcohol abuse, weight gain, all risk factors for diabetes. 
• Depression causes an inability to think clearly. Changes in cognition can make managing medication difficult resulting in uncontrolled diabetes.  (Many days David has to remind me to take my medication.  Sometimes brain fog is so bad that I can't manage anything.)

We both are going through Diabetic Burn-Out.  It is actually a medical syndrome, a state of delusions about the disease. Years of trying to manage diabetes can lead to frustration, denial, and self-destruction behavior. Saturday night I bought two packs of Oreos, a carton of ice cream and have been eating on them for 3 days. Today I stopped by Baskins and Robbins and got a double scoop chocolate, peanut butter cone.  Am I not crazy???  I thought, why not!  I'm depressed.  Yes, self-destructive.  Feeling bad all day, I tested my glucose and of course it was high.

My husband is a diabetic and he and I are both going to attend a Diabetes Management Class on Wednesday. We must start being proactive.  I want to enjoy my grandchildren.  I weighed 200 pounds when I was first diagnosed.  I lost 30 pounds 3 years ago and felt good about myself and was better able to manage the BD. Today I weighed 195.  

Maybe I need to pick up gardening.  These are some of the photos that Bee sent me today.  I'm so proud of her.  She is working so hard to overcome.

Cleopatra canna lily

Peach parfait hibiscus

This is my favorite. 

Gladiola

Southern Belle hibiscus

And she says this is the sweetest flower of all...

Jackson, her great nephew.

Doesn't this make you smile:)

Bonnie:)

"Laughter lightens your load and lifts your heart into heavenly places.  Your laughter rises to heaven and blends with angelic melodies of praise.  Just as parents delight in the laughter of their children, so I delight in hearing My children laugh.  Do not miss the joy of My Presence by carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.  Rather, take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me.  My yoke is comfortable and pleasant; My burden is light and easily born."  Matthew 11:28-30 (AMP)

--Sarah Young, Jesus Calling

  

Agoraphobia: Finding Peace Through Gardening

Bipolar or Manic Depressive Disorder 

is only one of the many illnesses

that plaque more than 40 million Americans today.

I have a dear friend who suffers from 

Agoraphobia, which actually means, 

"fear of the marketplace."

Agoraphobia is a type of anxiety disorder

where the person is afraid to leave what they 

consider to be a "safe" environment.

Most consider the home to be

the only safe environment.

My friend feels safe enough to 

venture around her small town and

neighborhood.  

Bee says, "It's not that I'm just afraid 

of leaving my home.  It's people that

I'm afraid of too."

The disorder develops over time 

and usually begins with a 

stress-induced event in which

a panic attack occurred.

We have all experienced a sudden feeling of panic

for no reason at all. 

Breathlessness

Sweating

Dizziness

Rapid Heart Beat

Sensation of Choking

Nausea

Extreme Fear of Death

Agoraphobia is the on-going fear of panic

that debilitates the person and keeps them hiding inside.

Bee and I found each other on Facebook 

and renewed our childhood kinship

and friendship after 40 years apart.

Our daddies were brothers and our mamas

were first cousins. 

She has found a great way to deal 

with her anxiety, 

gardening.

Her lilies take my breath away.

Since she is unable to shop out of town, 

she orders online and gets premium bulbs that bloom year after year.

The green thumb came from our mama's side of the family.

The yellow is yummy!

She plants zinnias, knock-out roses, and can 

make anything grow.

Bee is finding comfort in Christian music. 

She says that God speaks to her through

music and through His creation.

I encouraged Bee to see a therapist.

She did.

I asked her to lunch.

She accepted.

She is beginning to trust me and continues 

to take steps to get better. 

She has lost 30 pounds

and is intentional about what she eats.

(something I wish I could master)

She is on her way to getting better. 

The process of desensitization is to

face the situation through therapy,

gradually increase exposure to the "unsafe" environment,

and

venture out by taking along a trusted friend.

Bee feels at times overwhelmed with depression

and feels powerless to do anything about it.

I am encouraging her to blog her journey

and connect with people of like interests.

I'm so glad we found each other.  

We have promised each other that we will stay connected.

I love you, Bee and I pray for you daily. 

Bonnie:)

God Answers, Have a Glass of Lemonade

The Upside of Down is a song by Chris August. 

I can't remember the words of the song, 

but the name caught my attention.

It's like taking lemons and making lemonade.

There really is "an upside of down."

Sometimes I have had to search for it, 

having often overlooked it many times.

I find the upside in God's Word. 

I just wouldn't want to face life without It.

We sometimes have to get desperate.

Hannah did and God answered. (1 Samuel 1:18-19).  

Hagar did and God answered. (Genesis 21:14-21)

I have and God answers.

In our anguish, we must cry out to the Lord.

The Psalmist did and I continue to find

strength in God's answers. 

Moses did and the Lord answered.

"I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt, 

I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, 

and I have come down to rescue them from the hand

of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of the land

into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey." 

Exodus 3:7-8

These verses have sustained me, particularly in the past 5 years.

He has seen.

He has heard.

He will come and bring us up.

(Great new for the person who's spent much time in the pit!)

Not only bring us up, 

but He brings us into a good place, 

flowing with all the abundance of God's grace. 

Be Encouraged, 

Bonnie:)

The medication that the doctor added
has my nerves on edge.
Although the fog is lifting, I haven't slept in two nights.

Still searching to find the balance.

You get sleep, you keep the fog.
You lose the fog, you can't sleep.
It's a vicious cycle.

I got the lemons.
Where's the water and the sugar?
Grab a pitcher and we'll make some lemonade.

What Label Do You Wear?

What is a Label?

It's a tag attached to piece of clothing

with information about the product.

Fabric content...

what it's made of.

Instructions..

for washing and wearing.

Manufacturer..

Who or what company it's made by.

 Sometimes there are so many labels attached
that you don't even know who made you.

Other labels?

It's a tag attached to a gift
To: You
From: Me

It's a name others give you

Some are good, some are bad.
Some are true, some are untrue.

The label you are given depends on several questions asked,

Who's your family?

What church do you attend?

Where do your work?

The kind of car you drive, the amount of money in your bank account, 

the career title that you hold or lack thereof all constitute the labels you and I wear.

When applying for a job we are asked,

Race and Gender-

questions legally we don't have to answer

HOWEVER LABELS ARE ATTACHED.

Some labels are attached with strings.

Some labels are sticky!

What label do you wear or better yet,

what label has someone attached to you that you are unable to peel off.

Fat, skinny, nerdy, crazy, stupid.

What I've found is this,

labels stick.

Have you ever tried to pull off a postage label?

It adheres to the package with such vengeance 

that should it come off, the entire package comes with it.

See the correlation?

I went to a new doctor once.

New medical history as always,

"I'm bipolar."

For the first time ever,

"No you are not.

You have a diagnosis of bipolar depression.

Bipolar does not define who you are."

WoW!  Thanks, doc.

That's the first time I've ever heard that one.

Changed my feelings ABOUT MYSELF in one sentence.

So to summarize my thinking.

My Fabric Content

What am I made of?

I like to think I'm sugar and spice and everything nice;)

but that's not always the case:(

Psalm 139 says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

A bunch of DNA and stuff I don't understand,

but so thankful that God knows me and loves me anyway.

My Instructions

Found in the Word.

It is my LIFE, my guide, my direction.

In it, I find hope, peace and renewed faith.

My Manufacturer

I am a Child of the King

the Living God

the Prince of Peace!

He Loves Me-

no strings attached.

What label do you wear?

I think I'll stick to who God says I am!

Bonnie:)

(all photos were found on pinterest)