Hope in the Midst of Fear

This entry was written in April, 2013 during a dark night in a season of deep depression.

One thing about Bipolar Depression is the feelings of intense fear, fear that something is going to happen to someone you love, obsession with fear of death, your own death or the death of a loved one.  Deep feelings of abandonment and loneliness are often present.  I've talked about the isolation.  

This is the dark side of BD.  It's not pretty, but maybe you will see the HOPE of which I have, of which I MUST have to stand.  

His Eye is On the Sparrow

Knowing my love for the natural,

the owner of 

The Rusty Gate,

pulled out this darling

homemade, burlap banner.

"How do you like this?"

"Love it, how much?"

Snap!  It's mine!

Most of the banners, I find, are made for a mantle.

This one worked just fine 

for a favorite piece in my home. 

I got to thinking about the banner.

Nest.

Two little nests with bird eggs are attached.

I love the song, 

"His Eye is On the Sparrow.....

and I know He watches me...."

What a comforting thought.

I am reminded of the words of Jesus, 

"Look at the birds in the air.  They don't plant

or harvest or store food in barns, 

but your heavenly Father feeds them.

And you are more worth much more than the birds."

Matthew 6:26

I may not understand many things.

I pray for health

and God allows pain...to heal. 

I pray for peace

and He brings a storm...to still.

And His eye is always on me.

Another journal entry if you will allow me to bear my soul:

I awoke this morning with dizziness, nausea and afraid.  My hands were trembling and I don't feel like getting out of bed.    I want to cry, need to cry, need to bear my soul to someone.  Alone today.   I’m better alone when I’m this way.  Today, I sat in the break room, put my head in my hands. I cry out to God, “Save me.  I am going under if you don’t lift me up.”   After a few minutes, I am calm.  My hands are no longer shaking and I feel peace.

I need people, want people, but I want them to reach out to me.  Why can’t they see that I am hurting?  Where are all the people that I have loved and listened to and been there for?  They feel forsaken by me??? How do they think I feel?

 

I heard about Rick Warren’s son who committed suicide.  I wonder if Rick even had a clue.  So many lost souls out there lonely and in need of someone to reach out to them.

There go I, but by the grace of God!

 

I haven’t been able to read the Bible much.  I read the same verses over and over when I’ve tried.  I once again pick up my “Jesus Calling” book and find this verse, “Israel said, I will look to the Lord for help.  I will wait for God to save me; my God will hear me.  Enemy, don’t laugh at me.  I have fallen but I will get up again!  I sit in the shadow of trouble now, but the Lord will be a light to me.”  Micah 7:7-8

Jesus, you are my light and in you there is no darkness.  Won’t you be the light in this dark place?

I keep hearing the voice of God saying, “Word of God Speak.,” a song that I heard years ago.  I don’t remember the Words to the song, but I just felt in my spirit that God wanted me to listen for His Word to me.

So tonight, I am listening.  I am seeking.  I am desperate to hear from Him.

Last night after I had  already heard the voice of God say, “Word of God speak,”  Becky called and said, “You may want to listen to the song, “Word of God speak.”  God is with me, this I know.

It’s been another day of walking from faith to fear.  I tremble, I’m scared.  I miss my parents, I miss my children.  When I see a feeble man, I think of Daddy.  When I see a lost lady, I think of Mama and I saw both today. 

Tonight as I am seeking the face of God, I begin to sing the song, “I need thee oh, I need thee.  Every hour I need thee.  Oh bless me now my Savior, I come to Thee.”

I go to Youtube to listen to my favorite worship leader, Charles Billingsly who sings with a true heart of worship.  Right before my eyes is, “Hear My Cry, I Need Thee.”  Coincidence?  I don’t think so.

God is acutely aware of what I am going through.  He hears the cries of my heart.  He knows the constant battle of fears that taunt me day and night.  If He sees the sparrow when he falls, I know He will take care of me.  This, although I am not always sure of, this I know to be true in my innermost being. 

I believe, help thou my unbelief.

My little nest.

I'm glad He watches me, 

Bonnie